tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31063537787589513232024-02-21T06:20:33.986+00:00The Bristol GroanEditorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05161376856133377359noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3106353778758951323.post-45364105690716494872014-02-21T08:41:00.001+00:002014-02-21T20:52:54.582+00:00Bristol needs more bloody chuggers<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMKMg2XFQ_l_kfJHydu7sOFFj7qldKPoWWxXhZxRuGlEtZIvQSCkRUViug4QyBzuDhtXv-q6OqCJbv7XOvTnV46m-3u1eVIPoT8mY-DuSlCVsRxIYfAhy-NmrDPZqeewB576TOUVPAL5k/s1600/clipboard.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMKMg2XFQ_l_kfJHydu7sOFFj7qldKPoWWxXhZxRuGlEtZIvQSCkRUViug4QyBzuDhtXv-q6OqCJbv7XOvTnV46m-3u1eVIPoT8mY-DuSlCVsRxIYfAhy-NmrDPZqeewB576TOUVPAL5k/s1600/clipboard.jpg" height="320" width="279" /></a></div>
A newly-published report has confirmed what many have suspected: Bristol desperately needs yet more bloody chuggers.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
According to research carried out by the West England Economic Partnership, the key to the city's economic recovery is even more clipboarded buffoons, preferably employing increasingly deranged ways of making eye contact.<br />
<br />
The research shows that shoppers appreciated the adrenaline rush of chugger avoidance, the increased physical exercise from repeatedly crossing to the chugger-free side of the street, and the entertainment value of being forced to engage in the social protocol equivalent of a game of British Bulldog.<br />
<br />
The report recommends doubling the number of chuggers immediately, as well as the number of public outdoor urinals.Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05161376856133377359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3106353778758951323.post-21254199418324631902014-02-21T08:40:00.002+00:002014-02-21T20:59:16.331+00:00Long-lost entrance to cycle path discovered<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkjGAeoVFs0hlwhWy5tE6kc97F69Ksb6RDmHIaZ8ecxsZ6r9pGTlP40EVUjF2JebXOYKnxoNSb652eqCO63sxll0-PIgtLMf_ZGJ9ldAouu3A8bQ5Ni2EDAAH1TEiLDSU-QPATeuArtoQ/s1600/IMG_20140220_092611.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkjGAeoVFs0hlwhWy5tE6kc97F69Ksb6RDmHIaZ8ecxsZ6r9pGTlP40EVUjF2JebXOYKnxoNSb652eqCO63sxll0-PIgtLMf_ZGJ9ldAouu3A8bQ5Ni2EDAAH1TEiLDSU-QPATeuArtoQ/s1600/IMG_20140220_092611.jpg" height="327" width="400" /></a></div>
After a long and difficult expedition, explorers have discovered the near-mythical entrance to the Bristol to Bath cycle path.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
The voyage of discovery involved days of travelling through bewilderingly identical industrial estates, as well as a desperate push through a post-apocalyptic concrete wasteland devoid of life, known to the natives as "the Interprize Zone".<br />
<br />
Hazards along the way included piles of burned-out mopeds, and a graveyard where shopping trolleys go to die. A number of the expedition's members also disappeared along the way, and are presumed to have fallen into the clutches of the barbaric Húdi cult. <br />
<br />
There are now plans to explore the full length of the cycle path when weather conditions improve, and try and reach the mysterious City of Gold at the other end.<br />
<br />
However a downbeat note was struck by one survivor from the party, who said "I'm pretty sure I went there once, and it's already been conquered by French schoolchildren."Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05161376856133377359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3106353778758951323.post-50768500468083707012014-02-21T08:31:00.000+00:002014-02-21T08:31:55.143+00:00Bristol to introduce immigration controls with Weston-Super-Mare<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiI_32ReB4Ncc5tEUdX-x7gEyE_Sgc7yJl7w07jiqMa72BeKReT1aPLRzf7qQ0iyz2RkIN-Vde917rb3l6mVDWkSX-mr_yMS9FniAjH0lg0piVC_xc7Dedr1AsKiXQYK0JWbjNMDcT6LbQ/s1600/stockphotopro_3759792RDQ_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiI_32ReB4Ncc5tEUdX-x7gEyE_Sgc7yJl7w07jiqMa72BeKReT1aPLRzf7qQ0iyz2RkIN-Vde917rb3l6mVDWkSX-mr_yMS9FniAjH0lg0piVC_xc7Dedr1AsKiXQYK0JWbjNMDcT6LbQ/s1600/stockphotopro_3759792RDQ_.jpg" height="320" width="212" /></a>Concerns that refugees from Weston-Super-Mare are flooding into Bristol have lead to calls to restrict immigration from the opular seaside resort.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a>A spokesman for Bristol City Council confirmed that the number of Westonians living and working in Bristol is likely to be limited soon under a new quota system.<br />
<br />
"It's vitally important that Bristol has some mindless jobs in telesales or customer hospitality available for its own citizens" he said. "What did you think this Resident's Parking Zone thing was all about, exactly?"<br />
<br />
Some residents however have sprung to the defence of the incomers, pointing out the contribution to the economy from additional sales of KFC and One Direction CDs.<br />
<br />
A representative of the Weston-Super-Mare community said "What are you talking about? I told you, I live in Worle."Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05161376856133377359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3106353778758951323.post-33610273545900477142014-02-11T15:51:00.001+00:002014-02-11T15:58:17.428+00:00Giant shed full of cheap stuff will revitalise local high street<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPvLEGAATt1emXHsntFRCOtqADT9WQbkftxzJe7ec9etzC179v_T89xRypo2TJ7y-xwg6wDAXMG56vS8pNwmWZ2jUaVgj8EBkSN-YAh1xv1u36wVJORtVkybteRTyFGGvIRyu5kYI6JUs/s1600/supermarket-photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPvLEGAATt1emXHsntFRCOtqADT9WQbkftxzJe7ec9etzC179v_T89xRypo2TJ7y-xwg6wDAXMG56vS8pNwmWZ2jUaVgj8EBkSN-YAh1xv1u36wVJORtVkybteRTyFGGvIRyu5kYI6JUs/s1600/supermarket-photo.jpg" height="263" width="400" /></a></div>
Residents of Horfield and Hanham are being reassured that the presence of massive aircraft hangars full of enticing cheap goods will in no way turn their local high streets into desolate wastelands.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
The gargantuan buildings, which will sell not just basic groceries but also specialist, low-margin items like electronics, books, and DIY supplies, will act as "anchor" points for the high streets, despite being up to half a mile away.<br />
<br />
The new shops will also encourage people to use their local high streets by containing none of the traditional features of English shopping thoroughfares, like fume-spewing traffic jams, gangs of rat-eyed feral children, piles of sick in doorways or torrential rain.<br />
<br />
"It's great" said one shopper of the proposed new commerce barn. "According to this sign, I'll be able to park at the supermarket for exactly one hour before my car is towed away and crushed. That gives me 5 minutes to browse a pitiful selection of charity shops and pound stores after I've finished doing my proper shopping."Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05161376856133377359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3106353778758951323.post-15931366036993482432014-02-11T08:45:00.002+00:002014-02-11T15:39:01.589+00:00Somerset residents use Neknominate to combat floods<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiF4n7BNfKvMjHsN5iTF1RpWCoL8Y_pLrCicS98skokH2YNegjmWazXwn61DDEmBB4oEi90pRXo42uE1aRA1jN_BdPc7jcLBl21Y_nbxKkGMXNu3o9RRmjlx_Y2OZxopBCxB2KP2kVO0I8/s1600/water.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiF4n7BNfKvMjHsN5iTF1RpWCoL8Y_pLrCicS98skokH2YNegjmWazXwn61DDEmBB4oEi90pRXo42uE1aRA1jN_BdPc7jcLBl21Y_nbxKkGMXNu3o9RRmjlx_Y2OZxopBCxB2KP2kVO0I8/s1600/water.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
Somersetians are being urged to use the popular online drinking game of Neknominate to combat rising flood waters.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a>Environment secretary Owen Paterson, speaking yesterday, said "If everyone in Somerset downed a pint of dirty flood water, that would be at least 5,000 pints less flood. Perhaps more. So over the coming weeks we'll be neknominating as many people as we can to drink some flood."<br />
<br />
Local opinion was divided on the scheme, with one local farmer saying "It's stupid. But marginally less stupid than that thing with the beavers."<br />
<br />
But Paterson was unapologetic, saying "At the very least it'll buy us time, so we can finally figure out who to blame."Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05161376856133377359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3106353778758951323.post-36193704528843351932014-02-10T12:43:00.000+00:002014-02-10T12:45:24.349+00:00Somerset calls on Environment Agency to drown more cats<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFPdNqpR0NXAJuAFGWN1oF6uOueTjncircl6SRmg8BXnkn4woKZJ3n9VeALI_6fLJduc_GwNkYiDHlWS_KakMeFZOBCz8S5lzCrSEvFqOc-kVwrJ_-MZmTvGPllNqjE6uRzQVkzzXgVXE/s1600/cat+drowning.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFPdNqpR0NXAJuAFGWN1oF6uOueTjncircl6SRmg8BXnkn4woKZJ3n9VeALI_6fLJduc_GwNkYiDHlWS_KakMeFZOBCz8S5lzCrSEvFqOc-kVwrJ_-MZmTvGPllNqjE6uRzQVkzzXgVXE/s1600/cat+drowning.jpg" height="244" width="320" /></a></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6MnbXdAGpNUZmF46qp1JVCNb-WcEvE7z-q7LN-3grWeHikje6t5qM2fACVwo7eSW4LNLcqyDcBX0qKHISxgEBsheANkXNZ1I0vsODpPkyVwXJt3KXyYg8LHYalZo-NpS3ZzVY8tl2Yj8/s1600/cat+drowning.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><br />
</a><br />
Residents in flood-stricken Somerset have called on the Environment Agency to avert further bad weather by the traditional method of drowning cats.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
While official policy has previously focused on managing extreme weather through controlled flooding, and deterring locals from using rhynes and drainage ditches as storage for old tyres, the recent level of rain has caused growing demand for a return to the Old Ways. <br />
<br />
Peter Dempsey, head of local pressure group Drown the Felines, said: "We've had damage to property, livelihoods ruined, and all because the Environment Agency refuses to listen to local people."<br />
<br />
"My horses are currently trapped in a flooded field. So the government's refusal to drown cats is basically animal cruelty."<br />
<br />
Lord Smith, the head of the Environment Agency, said "We've listened to local people and we will be introducing a comprehensive programme of cat-drowning as soon as central government funding is approved."Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05161376856133377359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3106353778758951323.post-3200092701074144242014-02-10T09:03:00.001+00:002014-02-10T09:03:59.603+00:00Bristolians all very proud of woman we've only just heard of<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsegiJ6etXpl3yqc0dxjB1nQtemdOPF-hsxW-QQ1H8WD8IVRDrRx9qXZZU6Cy1Kw5gNQ2sD_jftjdvdZRjhHtwtHTbOpu6BJIEcIp3_Lo69Yxw9JgKwH76o1CRWzFsznXVwXHUxX2Gv-k/s1600/Jenny-Jones-Sochi-Winter--011.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsegiJ6etXpl3yqc0dxjB1nQtemdOPF-hsxW-QQ1H8WD8IVRDrRx9qXZZU6Cy1Kw5gNQ2sD_jftjdvdZRjhHtwtHTbOpu6BJIEcIp3_Lo69Yxw9JgKwH76o1CRWzFsznXVwXHUxX2Gv-k/s1600/Jenny-Jones-Sochi-Winter--011.jpg" height="192" width="320" /></a></div>
<span id="goog_581577897"></span><span id="goog_581577898"></span>Bristolian Jenny Jones's Olympic success was greeted with rejoicing in her home city yesterday, after BBC sports coverage carefully explained who she was.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a>"I thought Women's Slopestyle was something to do with hair" said Owen Ant, a builder from Bishopsworth.<br />
<br />
"Turns out it is, but nothing like as much as I was expecting."<br />
<br />
Jenny's hometown has shown the depth of its support by furiously smudging the screens of its smartphones.<br />
<br />
"I've not paid any attention to women's extreme sports before" said one, CityFan666 "But it turns out we're much better at them than more conventional sports which involve a bunch of overpaid hoofers who spend 90 minutes falling over on a muddy field."<br />
<br />
"I figure the least I can do is follow her on Twitter."<br />
<br />
<br />Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05161376856133377359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3106353778758951323.post-46724098118669323832014-02-06T08:57:00.001+00:002014-02-21T20:51:38.490+00:00Bristol crocodile to star in its own musical<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5V2J1vJsZRX-O-5gm4KxX9oFmp5WNlfeV2kzYeleJ07vsYXu4EfVpte_ca3tS5hqDDPbMFQkEEvwCCd_TEI87JGO-IlwQIIC7D1ukpQ1scvT69S9qSlYwQH_q10w_W0XrF8fW1T5Pb0w/s1600/Crocs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5V2J1vJsZRX-O-5gm4KxX9oFmp5WNlfeV2kzYeleJ07vsYXu4EfVpte_ca3tS5hqDDPbMFQkEEvwCCd_TEI87JGO-IlwQIIC7D1ukpQ1scvT69S9qSlYwQH_q10w_W0XrF8fW1T5Pb0w/s1600/Crocs.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A preview of how the poster for the musical might.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The Groan can exclusively reveal that the Bristol Crocodile is to star in a star-studded musical about its life.<br />
<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a>The musical, which will star Paul Hogan as George Ferguson and Pete Burns as the crocodile, will tell the heart-warming story of how the crocodile single-handedly saved a moribund local news website by breaking up depressing flood alerts with stories based on mildly amusing Twitter updates.<br />
<br />
Production is expected to start some time in 2016.Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05161376856133377359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3106353778758951323.post-43186881326316188762014-02-06T08:44:00.001+00:002014-02-07T21:26:03.303+00:00Bedminster crocodile eats Southville chicken<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhs_rscSg9857kBERiyvwdqceFZXXGflU3k5ICahlWD2VhWdID9tCCH1k3nDZ1YuIGN4LKRKxyTODrdogE2CGieaMJ26PI8H5YrQcVoz21GvWpdaqM2URNorhTOQLYZFwI7YmW0_UScIos/s1600/Cock.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhs_rscSg9857kBERiyvwdqceFZXXGflU3k5ICahlWD2VhWdID9tCCH1k3nDZ1YuIGN4LKRKxyTODrdogE2CGieaMJ26PI8H5YrQcVoz21GvWpdaqM2URNorhTOQLYZFwI7YmW0_UScIos/s1600/Cock.jpg" height="256" width="400" /></a></div>
<span id="goog_1133008390">In an attempt to stretch out a piece of non-news as far as we possibly can, the Groan can reveal that the Bristol crocodile has eaten the Southville chicken.</span><br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a>The semi-mythical feral chicken was eaten in one bite by the fictional river animal, after it laid across a log and pretended to be a see-saw.<br />
<br />
The report came via a series of tongue-in-cheek posts on social networking website Twitter. In the words of one user, @cleverclogs0_0, "It is definitely true. In a metaphorical sense." <br />
<br />Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05161376856133377359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3106353778758951323.post-37807129379677726802014-02-04T08:46:00.002+00:002014-02-04T08:52:47.367+00:00Police investigate reports of massive jobby in river<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPCpeRJdnRs49fGF6uvYfkdqRmGvVfqFANn6ff7Ko8hIWLM-myhmRw8I_IFRdwktRBqUUa_9NbwermOcv8ummoGMCOxBQswVDfEKtHYl5lFlHHe3r0rsSPNwPKXPYx7bXQjSsJAkSGYTY/s1600/log.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPCpeRJdnRs49fGF6uvYfkdqRmGvVfqFANn6ff7Ko8hIWLM-myhmRw8I_IFRdwktRBqUUa_9NbwermOcv8ummoGMCOxBQswVDfEKtHYl5lFlHHe3r0rsSPNwPKXPYx7bXQjSsJAkSGYTY/s1600/log.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
In a gift for journalists on what is officially Bristol's 4,578th consecutive slow news day, police are investigating reports that a 6-foot column of human excrement has been seen floating in the river.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
A light-hearted tweet from a senior police officer, which we quickly expanded into pure pageview gold, revealed that a bus driver had reported seeing an object floating under a bridge, and became convinced that it was a massive u-bend stuffer.<br />
<br />
Police searched for the mysterious object for approximately 30 seconds before announcing that it had probably been eaten by a giant goldfish.Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05161376856133377359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3106353778758951323.post-25130944167500813432014-02-03T08:31:00.004+00:002014-02-03T08:31:51.371+00:00Bristol bands resigned to another 20 years of being compared to Massive Attack<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAwFoZECZmNbhH87KPwfANCQzLEVK-_qaRVOjXDePg1jNVWU30QtSA25rTSqJhOaobFRVXWUjUKpDk5M-nCCuv2u1a4bwk__oUul4402raO5vwR5FyR6_2Ojf4Ia3S5vOqQNIJQnanQ6E/s1600/portishead.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAwFoZECZmNbhH87KPwfANCQzLEVK-_qaRVOjXDePg1jNVWU30QtSA25rTSqJhOaobFRVXWUjUKpDk5M-nCCuv2u1a4bwk__oUul4402raO5vwR5FyR6_2Ojf4Ia3S5vOqQNIJQnanQ6E/s1600/portishead.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Massive Attack, one of Bristol's most successful groups ever</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Most Bristol musicians have reached a state of despairing acceptance at being constantly compared to Massive Attack, Portishead and Tricky.<br />
<a name='more'></a>A survey of bands at the recent Arses for Ears mini-festival revealed that many musicians have given up trying to get local journalists to find more apt comparisons.<br />
<br />
"For the minuscule amount of coverage we actually get, it's probably not worth the fuss" said Peter Twemp, keyboard player with violin-lead dubstep trio Madda Facker. "I mean, we do have a girl singing sometimes, just like those groups."<br />
<br />
But not all musicians are happy at the lazy journalistic shorthand. Luke Drone, singer with post-post-rock band Fly! Bitches Fly! said "I'm so sick of being compared to tasteful trip-hop music for Habitat shoppers."<br />
<br />
"Apart from the fact that we sound nothing at all like them, they're proper old now. Did you know that some of them were actually around before MySpace? I'm 19 years old and I'm pretty sure I was actually conceived to "Dummy", for fuck's sake. "<br />
<br />
"Still, I guess it could be worse. They could be comparing us to Chikinki."Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05161376856133377359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3106353778758951323.post-14401860647673965492014-02-03T08:31:00.002+00:002014-02-03T08:31:24.236+00:00If it's in Bristol, Brunel built it<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJHviTR4zz-_LTIEK6euQAEleki98kY9W5tbq7menN7Wp30f5PFYEthgHA1xMY7twf8BS4kSJVybHvl8LqxOc0ieHI_2HYIYZLNl54I-7quI-LxPQDvBhye0j9AO3YaAUcb_4w23xngNw/s1600/450px-Brunel_2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJHviTR4zz-_LTIEK6euQAEleki98kY9W5tbq7menN7Wp30f5PFYEthgHA1xMY7twf8BS4kSJVybHvl8LqxOc0ieHI_2HYIYZLNl54I-7quI-LxPQDvBhye0j9AO3YaAUcb_4w23xngNw/s1600/450px-Brunel_2.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
A local historian has confirmed what we all knew: that Isambard Kingdom Brunel built pretty much <br />
everything in Bristol.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a>Alan Quisling, author of a number of books sold in gift shops with thin floppy covers, has set out precisely what Brunel did and didn't build - and it's mostly the former.<br />
<br />
"Everyone knows about the suspension bridge, and Temple Meads, and the SS Great Britain, and the Matthew, and the cathedral, and Cabot Tower, but there's loads more."<br />
<br />
"See that system of locks in the Cumberland Basin? That was Brunel. And that pavement over there? That is unmistakably the work of the great man. In fact I'm thinking of starting a campaign to have bricks renamed Brunel Blocks."<br />
<br />
<br />Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05161376856133377359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3106353778758951323.post-64932223650678198892014-02-03T08:31:00.000+00:002014-02-03T08:31:07.439+00:00Soulless empty office block is Bristol's economic saviour<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdJj6_8mt1J3vBpzR9SPVKFHAwbqet1E8Nl4AWVjHsDqRdT4J0aR4u_4wAM1jKajBQQ_tYBpbOk4G_R1EEKopKRyVdMqI9KPzXgA_CM4JfGNBlx730q0tSQEzP5p7A0bGoaW8-grJaKvg/s1600/modern_office_block.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdJj6_8mt1J3vBpzR9SPVKFHAwbqet1E8Nl4AWVjHsDqRdT4J0aR4u_4wAM1jKajBQQ_tYBpbOk4G_R1EEKopKRyVdMqI9KPzXgA_CM4JfGNBlx730q0tSQEzP5p7A0bGoaW8-grJaKvg/s1600/modern_office_block.jpg" height="320" width="212" /></a></div>
The construction of a giant empty office block has been hailed as a key step in Bristol's economic regeneration.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
<!--more-->The new Glassbrick building, which has a commanding view of some waste ground and a scrap yard, will be rented at approximately £5000 per square foot.<br />
<br />
<br />
"We're really excited to be helping drive Bristol forward to becoming an economic superpower" said a spokesment for the consortium behind the development.<br />
<br />
"With its location in the South West, it would really suit businesses who are happy to piss money up the wall at a frightening rate, yet also love frittering their lives away on trains to London".<br />
<br />
"As well as office space, the building will also contribute to the vibrant feel of the area through its community facilities."<br />
<br />
It has subsequently emerged that these will include a Pret-A-Manger and a Starbucks.Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05161376856133377359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3106353778758951323.post-54019026675825044142014-02-01T10:26:00.001+00:002014-02-01T10:30:59.317+00:00Mechanical horse baffles South Gloucestershire<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiO89IC4Fi8Upl1YQviPl2HZS-DfhwzL30b4al1d9TVsYfEBQhSLOP7XpxMh8gGNOqe5QcfghBySvTVhoGAS2SqkXwqnVc4tlDl0krQfDF3amYJutsasMKRbC-V6DyMsy1qzSbv5Dv2Poc/s1600/Dandy-Horse-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiO89IC4Fi8Upl1YQviPl2HZS-DfhwzL30b4al1d9TVsYfEBQhSLOP7XpxMh8gGNOqe5QcfghBySvTVhoGAS2SqkXwqnVc4tlDl0krQfDF3amYJutsasMKRbC-V6DyMsy1qzSbv5Dv2Poc/s1600/Dandy-Horse-2.jpg" height="242" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">eagfdgfadnhgfh</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The appearance of a strange mechanical horse with wheels has left people in South Gloucestershire puzzled and afraid.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
The sighting, which happened near the border with the Bristol, was initially attributed to witchcraft. But village elders have now laid the blame firmly at the door of the "Cycling City" project, once thought to be little more than a long-vanished folk memory.<br />
<br />
Peasantry and gentry have responded with a mix of fear and curiosity.<br />
<br />
Jedward Lump, a duck-chaser from Yate, said "I don't want no horsifying machine getting under the wheels of my Mondeo". <br />
<br />
<br />
But others were less damning of the new-fangled mode of transport. "I'd quite like to give it a try, myself" said Ben Snoot, a farmer from Chipping Sodbury. "It does look awfully dangerous though."<br />
<br />
"I think I'll stick to my current hobbies, which are shotguns and gin."Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05161376856133377359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3106353778758951323.post-62332328010320492002014-02-01T09:33:00.000+00:002014-02-01T11:02:19.476+00:00Banal remarks about river's height now doubly unwelcome<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwkrt-gKSkXNfUk64srSy2rthvbbWOgSCRCDZu54Zii4K4kKkRPrGbPoicimqHRhjU_dDI4PBRI9oeZybDdO75WSolDfJSiWKwMUNtxqFHBffv4D9vlJJttqx5Gja1yXejfbXTdbWK2rY/s1600/Waders.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwkrt-gKSkXNfUk64srSy2rthvbbWOgSCRCDZu54Zii4K4kKkRPrGbPoicimqHRhjU_dDI4PBRI9oeZybDdO75WSolDfJSiWKwMUNtxqFHBffv4D9vlJJttqx5Gja1yXejfbXTdbWK2rY/s1600/Waders.jpg" height="320" width="201" /></a>Dullards who make remarks like "Wow, the river's really high today" are particularly unpopular at the moment.<br />
<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a>The turgid conversational gambit, which everyone in Bristol has heard several thousand times before, has lost even its capacity to reassure in light of the Avon's current tendency to burst its banks like an eager puppy leaping out of a basket.<br />
<br />
Instead of the usual quick change of subject, or lecture about how the Avon is one of the most tidal rivers in the UK, the dullards can now expect a harsh glare, a "No shit, Sherlock", or a slap round the chops.Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05161376856133377359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3106353778758951323.post-32112930691843600652014-01-31T09:24:00.002+00:002014-01-31T09:24:23.662+00:00Majority of Bristolians want to have Council burned at the stake<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjy8_ovDfzpzmGY2knjOasLguZbG_KSHwT8G01-Ofhdq5ax4n1odV-nZTWQKdYVS983zp1FZESLRYHdXknpx2rRoMhkV2B-l7HMwiRJ84NcHgJCK5KWQsCp364CWxsWcrGLRXnjCHCH7jY/s1600/BRH.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjy8_ovDfzpzmGY2knjOasLguZbG_KSHwT8G01-Ofhdq5ax4n1odV-nZTWQKdYVS983zp1FZESLRYHdXknpx2rRoMhkV2B-l7HMwiRJ84NcHgJCK5KWQsCp364CWxsWcrGLRXnjCHCH7jY/s1600/BRH.gif" height="220" width="320" /></a>EXCLUSIVE evidence obtained by the <i>Groan</i> indicates that the the majority of Bristolians want to see their Council banished to eternal hellfire.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a>A poll conducted on the front page of this website showed that an astonishing 71% of respondents were in favour of burning the witch.<br />
<br />
With over 58 people participating, the poll could well be considered a definitive statement of what true Bristolians want.<br />
<br />
Many will now be asking whether it's time the Council saw sense and recanted their wicked ways, or else face the wrath of the pitchfork-wielding mob.<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Photo: <a href="http://www.brh.org.uk/">Bristol Radical History</a></i></span>Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05161376856133377359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3106353778758951323.post-6795172561173150492014-01-31T09:11:00.002+00:002014-01-31T09:11:13.843+00:00"Sherlock's ancestors whipped me in a past life"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfKDwH_CQy7eoDg-pjLkiYdETzrtcFf_cYfHJHdPbmV_oISYNb_mdGmNSkYeJSgyP-musBIPAJepxVISNgQ3ZHyrMP6-Kd7mMRHG0dt4xJRhd4HdXByFXVj18HPdC18hoxLnAbbvPx8RA/s1600/sherlock.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfKDwH_CQy7eoDg-pjLkiYdETzrtcFf_cYfHJHdPbmV_oISYNb_mdGmNSkYeJSgyP-musBIPAJepxVISNgQ3ZHyrMP6-Kd7mMRHG0dt4xJRhd4HdXByFXVj18HPdC18hoxLnAbbvPx8RA/s1600/sherlock.jpg" height="180" width="320" /></a></div>
In a story so little to do with Bristol that it might as well be about the plumbing on the International Space Station, a woman has claimed that sexy otter-man Benedict Cummerbund did something to her ancestors.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
However readers eagerly clicking on the story to fuel their S&M bean-flicking fantasies were disappointed to find a dry historical piece, with the word "reparations" jumping out of paragraph 2.<br />
<br />
A historian approached by the <i>Groan </i>for a quote said "There is an ongoing need to examine the legacy of slavery and how it affects us today. This is about the most inane way of doing it imaginable."Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05161376856133377359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3106353778758951323.post-59508720889337307232014-01-30T08:52:00.003+00:002014-01-30T08:52:53.218+00:00EDITOR'S COMMENT: 20 mph will bring about the end of civilisation as we know it<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf3fuVzZCH4qMGN-gti7AWxZJ1MFkGXEIWj0ZZxBSIN_eEoS-Cem_os1ela6vWusJe7XZfW73L2x9VESjot8Kn-nSEbMmF1xyV7athamNmWalUAR7fK7KV66NOgfp0kSX7ytwcxij-T0M/s1600/ImpalaAttack.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf3fuVzZCH4qMGN-gti7AWxZJ1MFkGXEIWj0ZZxBSIN_eEoS-Cem_os1ela6vWusJe7XZfW73L2x9VESjot8Kn-nSEbMmF1xyV7athamNmWalUAR7fK7KV66NOgfp0kSX7ytwcxij-T0M/s1600/ImpalaAttack.jpg" height="252" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<a name='more'></a>With the dark cloud of 20 mph sweeping across Bristol, we at the <i>Groan </i>think it's time to talk about its more sinister side.<br />
<br />
According to a study we briefly glanced at, driving at 20 mph burns more fuel. It sounds illogical, and even contrary to the laws of physics, but it's there in black and white.<br />
<br />
And what happens when all the fuel is burned up, from people travelling more slowly? Or when people are priced out of car ownership from speeding fines, or losing their jobs because they're perpetually late for work?<br />
<br />
The have-nots will rise up against the haves. Anarchy will reign. Marauding biker gangs will roam a desolate landscape (Try buying something at a garden centre without a car!) preying off the weak and the vulnerable. Some of them might even build something called a Thunderdome.<br />
<br />
<b><i>That's why we're telling mayor Ferguson: ignore the other research into 20 mph limits, and ignore the surveys which said most residents want them. The fate of our civilisation rests in your hands.</i></b>Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05161376856133377359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3106353778758951323.post-37502082577280363442014-01-30T08:37:00.001+00:002014-01-30T08:37:11.109+00:00Massive storm of hyperbole headed for Bristol<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisoGvdPjs_oIYFqSaeEBjhvrKb4A2ICOy8JyOOMUPBDUM1gkF9b4Yv0jJmvsFbwL7SDUiseQYp2_p8eOOwZra4mQjqJMIC7A7cBY8A_eyG0uRNK5UDuKUlunb8PQ8fzBmT8c4a_eASt1s/s1600/storm_clouds_over_swifts_creek.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisoGvdPjs_oIYFqSaeEBjhvrKb4A2ICOy8JyOOMUPBDUM1gkF9b4Yv0jJmvsFbwL7SDUiseQYp2_p8eOOwZra4mQjqJMIC7A7cBY8A_eyG0uRNK5UDuKUlunb8PQ8fzBmT8c4a_eASt1s/s1600/storm_clouds_over_swifts_creek.jpg" height="163" width="400" /></a></div>
With news that temperatures could plummet to as low as -1°C and winds of up to 25 mph are expected over the coming week, Bristol is bracing itself for a storm of epic proportions.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a>The storm is expected to be marked with gusts of hot air, deluges of journalistic licence, and frequent requests for free website content in the form of mobile phone pictures.<br />
<br />
Residents are advised to barricade themselves in their homes and keep checking their local news websites, periodically clicking through on the banner adverts, until they are told that it is safe to emerge.Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05161376856133377359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3106353778758951323.post-85595277273751526722014-01-30T08:36:00.000+00:002014-01-30T08:36:53.558+00:0090% of Za Za Bazaar diners returned uneaten<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiARLVRDWrqX_GRtRhiMtuLbA5tl3NhyphenhyphenI6a2KRavywUZgTSfwj3J8LyxsfD_TO0mAB1jAuzwwP9-xtYKTBT-ZPV5sqnu45Rm0kNhfFWyKde7obrIupncJfBCJI4B930OFk7UwCpXWPqWUU/s1600/bad-taste-1987-05-g.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiARLVRDWrqX_GRtRhiMtuLbA5tl3NhyphenhyphenI6a2KRavywUZgTSfwj3J8LyxsfD_TO0mAB1jAuzwwP9-xtYKTBT-ZPV5sqnu45Rm0kNhfFWyKde7obrIupncJfBCJI4B930OFk7UwCpXWPqWUU/s1600/bad-taste-1987-05-g.jpg" height="237" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Caption goes here</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Ravenous aliens abducting customers at buffet restaurant Za Za Bazaar have returned over 90% of them uneaten.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
Alien spokesman Lord Crumb, of Crumb's Country Delights, explained that the aliens had originally harvested the humans for meat via a giant tractor beam, located just inside the restaurant's toilets.<br />
<br />
However, once the humans were captured, the aliens found their eyes were bigger than their stomachs.<br />
<br />
"I'd been really looking forward to a massive all-you-can-eat banquet with the wife. I'd even been deliberately starving myself. But when I started eating, I realised they tasted a bit weird and foreign. They smelled funny, like a mix of Lambert and Butlers and Weston-Super-Mare."<br />
<br />
"In the end I just got a waitress to take them away in a big plastic wheelie bin. The chocolate fountain was a bit grim too."Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05161376856133377359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3106353778758951323.post-89019975555574732342014-01-29T13:18:00.001+00:002014-01-29T13:20:08.073+00:00Population of Bedminster now zero<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4B9lCVvOz-tcXDcXoJ99GbRG7mQKnq5pNpw-C382i_AxZzinNbHjbBEnfwQ2IsIs5WtEr4Mro4XtqjiOAcjgcNdWUnAhkT7lbLZyOriTkccieDfrbzZBfcjNSeSKrYHvnYwoVpup0Q94/s1600/Bedminster+boundaries+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4B9lCVvOz-tcXDcXoJ99GbRG7mQKnq5pNpw-C382i_AxZzinNbHjbBEnfwQ2IsIs5WtEr4Mro4XtqjiOAcjgcNdWUnAhkT7lbLZyOriTkccieDfrbzZBfcjNSeSKrYHvnYwoVpup0Q94/s1600/Bedminster+boundaries+copy.jpg" height="265" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The new areas which have replaced now-vanished Bedminster</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
According to a survey of estate agents and letting agencies in the area, the population of Bedminster has now shrunk to zero.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a>The former working-class area, which became wealthy from mining in the 19th century, had shrunk significantly in recent years as its inhabitants decided they didn't want to live in the sort of place where people spent the majority of their disposable income on scratchcards.<br />
<br />
Bedminster's disappearance follows a wider trend for areas to be absorbed by bits of Bristol which appear exactly the same, but with nicer-sounding names. Fishponds has suffered rapid encroachment from Greenbank, while St Pauls is now reduced to just one street sandwiched between Ashley, St Werburghs and Montpelier.Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05161376856133377359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3106353778758951323.post-47147703598076866472014-01-29T09:55:00.001+00:002014-01-29T13:42:17.990+00:00City's strip clubs are "essential idiot containment facility"<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT7lYswvx6aUpIZWFzh3bMfHx2pzEOv9JU1-2kzYSBh7JEtu_wUbEXnr3Qd05YNo_MlMKg3f8LN5FsLOZo3t6zpFeqQelh2fSNrRdvMgSdtUUa8RNForJTX7h-ItN3btvbFVZFkzp7qmo/s1600/Twats.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT7lYswvx6aUpIZWFzh3bMfHx2pzEOv9JU1-2kzYSBh7JEtu_wUbEXnr3Qd05YNo_MlMKg3f8LN5FsLOZo3t6zpFeqQelh2fSNrRdvMgSdtUUa8RNForJTX7h-ItN3btvbFVZFkzp7qmo/s1600/Twats.jpg" height="182" width="320" /></a>A senior police source has weighed in to the controversy surrounding the licencing of Bristol Sexual Entertainment Venues (SUV's).<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
"It's vitally important that any UK city centre has sufficient twat absorption capacity. This can come in the form of anything-but "superclubs", sticky-floored pubs that play house music at deafening volumes despite having no dancefloor, or soulless dungeons where openly hostile mothers-of-two show a bit of skin to groups of baying divs."<br />
<br />
"With the current fashion for single-sex "big nights out" and "stag dos" that involve little more than overpriced lager and wondering how to cope with the ensuing void of sexual frustration and conversational awkwardness, strip clubs have a vital role to play."<br />
<br />
The comments struck a chord with police officers in other areas of the country. "It's been terrible since our strip club closed" said one. "The other night I found a group of blokes in Hackett shirts, all taking turns to frottage a tree."<br />
<br />
"Then there's always the chance that some of them will realise they're actually gay. Imagine how disappointed their mums would be."Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05161376856133377359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3106353778758951323.post-54306227417217698682014-01-29T08:44:00.001+00:002014-01-29T08:44:06.956+00:00Bristol cyclist rehoming plan considered<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCI5iL6aJTnvdWvTlGf7R_KX3tUjZ7jrhI9_fKRe8XSLerBmu3PpxSSQKaRuAy4Y7p8uq12AbxLT8mVTIaXiwpwn1oG6-V308YgxUbNV_zsgs1Fc5I1SQaV2b_84pc_HiHoZtD-jYE-qE/s1600/Cycling_Bibshorts.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCI5iL6aJTnvdWvTlGf7R_KX3tUjZ7jrhI9_fKRe8XSLerBmu3PpxSSQKaRuAy4Y7p8uq12AbxLT8mVTIaXiwpwn1oG6-V308YgxUbNV_zsgs1Fc5I1SQaV2b_84pc_HiHoZtD-jYE-qE/s1600/Cycling_Bibshorts.jpg" height="400" width="270" /></a>A leaked proposal has revealed that cyclists in central Bristol
are to be re-distributed to less congested parts of the UK under a new proposal
aimed at reducing the number of lefty environmentalists in the city. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
The controversial plan would see teams of specially-trained teams
forcibly transporting up to 34% of the city’s pedal-powered commuters;
initially to a small rural town in Wales. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Disorientating their subjects with a hi-viz lure and pieces
of wholemeal flapjack, the transportation teams plan to subdue the cyclists with
tazers and load them onto buses, fitted with specially prepared bike racks, for
their transportation. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“The capture of cyclists isn’t
the important issue here, I don’t know why everyone’s focussing on
that,” said Gillmore
Montgomery, a spokesperson for the Bristol-based motoring think-tank
behind the
scheme. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But cyclists have reacted angrily to the leaked plans. “I’m
outraged by this proposal,” said one. “The dirty saddle-sniffers didn’t get the
badgers, and they’re not going to get us.”</div>
Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05161376856133377359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3106353778758951323.post-15371777128993187722014-01-29T08:43:00.000+00:002014-01-29T16:48:04.524+00:00Cafés on Park Street now outnumber people<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7JZSbVH5mTc9FhSQmKQi8khW6jv8_w_hstQzr9yMKqlw0OSJDvD40RGJrmnLwcy2ITBGdW2Z8K0KfWH5oO-8lBv6VbNGia0XBYNRTYQKqQ7DSMPmo8S1ueTBtGToe3BexDV4GkgkKIeU/s1600/latte+art.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7JZSbVH5mTc9FhSQmKQi8khW6jv8_w_hstQzr9yMKqlw0OSJDvD40RGJrmnLwcy2ITBGdW2Z8K0KfWH5oO-8lBv6VbNGia0XBYNRTYQKqQ7DSMPmo8S1ueTBtGToe3BexDV4GkgkKIeU/s1600/latte+art.jpg" height="251" width="320" /></a></div>
Lovers of limp, overpriced paninis can rejoice - as of this week, Park Street officially has more cafés than people.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
With the gradual replacement of all useful shops by identikit caffeine-peddlers, Park Street now has 59 cafés, bars and restaurants - more than the number of people who can be bothered to go there at any one time.<br />
<br />
Users of the street have voiced concerns at the teaspoon takeover, and surprisingly they include some of the café owners themselves.<br />
<br />
"It's getting pretty hard to make a living here " said the owner of the Crushed Trilby, a mezze bar themed after a derelict 1980s haberdashery department, which has become Park Street's latest addition.<br />
<br />
"At the moment, the main thing keeping us afloat is the freelance writers. There's one who comes in every morning at 11 and buys a flat white, and that gives us just enough profit to stay open. They also tend to move from place to place to make it less obvious that they're just there to steal the wi-fi."Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05161376856133377359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3106353778758951323.post-32926020649147587052014-01-29T08:40:00.001+00:002014-01-29T08:40:33.455+00:00Bristol Pound used to purchase sense of smugness<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg9vJPauetgPe1Y68_9mtvuJ1oBtHFEplPjPlMLzgHCoMQTFm-q0umub0fXv9YCAFNP2KAaMtD5Pf92f8qEtSrAry6GS1xqnrPyfPwaZUCvZur7fmmBQSfdO9KFbErNZiPOyp6w6XR-gM/s1600/money-girl-Copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg9vJPauetgPe1Y68_9mtvuJ1oBtHFEplPjPlMLzgHCoMQTFm-q0umub0fXv9YCAFNP2KAaMtD5Pf92f8qEtSrAry6GS1xqnrPyfPwaZUCvZur7fmmBQSfdO9KFbErNZiPOyp6w6XR-gM/s1600/money-girl-Copy.jpg" height="307" width="320" /></a></div>
Research on Bristol's local currency the Bristol Pound has revealed that most users spend it on things that serve no practical use, apart from making them feel extremely pleased with themselves.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
Popular purchases included hand-whittled clothes pegs, organic "treats" made of quinoa, and First Bus tickets.<br />
<br />
One user of the currency said "It's great how I can satisfy my deep-rooted need to consume more stuff, while feeling like I'm actually sucking CO2 out of the atmosphere. I haven't felt this smug since I installed my wood burner."Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05161376856133377359noreply@blogger.com