Bristol cyclist rehoming plan considered

A leaked proposal has revealed that cyclists in central Bristol are to be re-distributed to less congested parts of the UK under a new proposal aimed at reducing the number of lefty environmentalists in the city.

The controversial plan would see teams of specially-trained teams forcibly transporting up to 34% of the city’s pedal-powered commuters; initially to a small rural town in Wales.

Disorientating their subjects with a hi-viz lure and pieces of wholemeal flapjack, the transportation teams plan to subdue the cyclists with tazers and load them onto buses, fitted with specially prepared bike racks, for their transportation.

“The capture of cyclists isn’t the important issue here, I don’t know why everyone’s focussing on that,” said Gillmore Montgomery, a spokesperson for the Bristol-based motoring think-tank behind the scheme.

But cyclists have reacted angrily to the leaked plans. “I’m outraged by this proposal,” said one. “The dirty saddle-sniffers didn’t get the badgers, and they’re not going to get us.”