A leaked proposal has revealed that cyclists in central Bristol
are to be re-distributed to less congested parts of the UK under a new proposal
aimed at reducing the number of lefty environmentalists in the city.
The controversial plan would see teams of specially-trained teams
forcibly transporting up to 34% of the city’s pedal-powered commuters;
initially to a small rural town in Wales.
Disorientating their subjects with a hi-viz lure and pieces
of wholemeal flapjack, the transportation teams plan to subdue the cyclists with
tazers and load them onto buses, fitted with specially prepared bike racks, for
their transportation.
“The capture of cyclists isn’t
the important issue here, I don’t know why everyone’s focussing on
that,” said Gillmore
Montgomery, a spokesperson for the Bristol-based motoring think-tank
behind the
scheme.
But cyclists have reacted angrily to the leaked plans. “I’m
outraged by this proposal,” said one. “The dirty saddle-sniffers didn’t get the
badgers, and they’re not going to get us.”
