City's strip clubs are "essential idiot containment facility"

A senior police source has weighed in to the controversy surrounding the licencing of Bristol Sexual Entertainment Venues (SUV's).

"It's vitally important that any UK city centre has sufficient twat absorption capacity. This can come in the form of anything-but "superclubs", sticky-floored pubs that play house music at deafening volumes despite having no dancefloor, or soulless dungeons where openly hostile mothers-of-two show a bit of skin to groups of baying divs."

"With the current fashion for single-sex "big nights out" and "stag dos" that involve little more than overpriced lager and wondering how to cope with the ensuing void of sexual frustration and conversational awkwardness, strip clubs have a vital role to play."

The comments struck a chord with police officers in other areas of the country. "It's been terrible since our strip club closed" said one. "The other night I found a group of blokes in Hackett shirts, all taking turns to frottage a tree."

"Then there's always the chance that some of them will realise they're actually gay. Imagine how disappointed their mums would be."