RADICAL new proposals for the way Bristol travels have been unveiled today, with a proposal to create a rapid transit link between the city and the cursed outlands of Avon.
Central government funding has already been awarded to develop the scheme, which is estimated to have cost £50 million, and today a spokesman for the West of England Enterprise Partnership revealed the that main feature of the new transport system will be an adorable kitten riding a skateboard.
"It's vitally important that a place of Bristol's stature has a municipal transport system to make it stand out amongst major European cities like Paris, Grimsby and Hull"
"We looked into a number of possibilities, including hovercars, human-size vacuum tubes, and light rail, but in the end we have decided to go for the system that offers the best compromise between cost, functionality and not pissing off the car drivers"
"We estimate that the scheme will carry up to 5 kittens per hour, being towed on a colourful nylon leash, and that this will relieve traffic congestion in the city by as much as 0.005%. "
In response to critics of the scheme who dubbed it "pointless", the spokeman said: "Look, we've already spunked... I mean, invested a substantial amount in consultancy and engineering fees. If we stop now, all of those will have been wasted."
"There are a number of details that our consultants are still working on, including the breed of kitten to be used, the durometer of the skateboard wheels, and where the stupid thing is actually going to go, but we're confident that if we keep chucking money at it we'll get it sorted."
