"Sherlock's ancestors whipped me in a past life"

In a story so little to do with Bristol that it might as well be about the plumbing on the International Space Station, a woman has claimed that sexy otter-man Benedict Cummerbund did something to her ancestors.

However readers eagerly clicking on the story to fuel their S&M bean-flicking fantasies were disappointed to find a dry historical piece, with the word "reparations" jumping out of paragraph 2.

A historian approached by the Groan for a quote said "There is an ongoing need to examine the legacy of slavery and how it affects us today. This is about the most inane way of doing it imaginable."